I'm baaaacckkkk....

Well I just wrote a post about Heather and as I re-read it I realized I left some details left out. I talked about how she has helped me and how she is pushing me to reach my dreams. Heather is really trying to get me to go back to school and I have gone to the University of Maine with her and it really sparked an interest in there. She still goes there for a few classes and I am seriously considering checking out their academic programs to see what I can find. She has been spoiling me rotten, she bought me a shit load of books of which I've already read 3...she's gotten me into reading again and I love it. I have read more in the last 3 months then I have in the last 3 years. I can talk to her. I can't explain it, I don't want to try and explain it but I can talk to her. I can open up to her and there are no boundaries and I love it. I have never had that before and it really allows me to see how much she means to me and how awesome she is. What else did she do? SHE BOUGHT A FUCKING CAMERA!!! We felt like we are missing out on some really awesome moments but she knows how much I love to do photography and how much I have been missing it since I had to sell my camera...it felt like something was missing like the one bit of potential I had was gone but she's brought that back and she's pushing me to follow those dreams and realize my potential. She's also got me into writing again..writing poems, stories to her, letters, all kinds of stuff..it's kind of funny though, no matter how much I write to her, how many letters I give her..I never feel like its enough. She's also awesome at helping me at jobs around the house...she's helped me with a few projects around the house and I just love working with her. But for now I will call this good...I am sure I will post more soon. Peace

Something that I need to say...

Normally I try very hard not to complain about the way my life has taken shape because I do know that there are others out there that have it worse off then I do but there are a few things that you have to understand about me. By the time I was 18 years old I had burried both of my parents, all 4 grandparents, a list of aunts and uncles and some very close friends. Even since then I have laid to rest more friends, a brother, 2 more aunts and the list will go on. I have worked full time since I was 15 years old, I have drank myself to stupidity and back several times, I used to fight on a regular basis and most of the time for no good reason. My life has been hard growing up and some things that happened to me as a kid still like to leave their impression on me. But through all of it I have stood tall held strong and pushed my way through all of it. However, there comes a time when you start to wonder, after being through all of that, will I ever be happy? My faith on that subject was growing very lean especially with the last person I tried to make a relationship with. There are very few things in my life that I actually regret, but those 4 months with her I do. Last fall things started to get harder for me, I felt lonely more and more with everyday, I was losing enthusiam for life and just everything in general sucked. One day that all changed with a hopeful messgae. I met Heather. From the very first day I knew I wanted her to be a part of my life and that was only reenforced ten fold when we had our first date. From that first night we just started spending more and more time together, talking constantly and it was so perfect! I had never been able to talk to a person like that so openly and about such a wide range of things. I fell in love, I fell fast, I fell hard and I fell completely and I don't regret it one bit. I took a chance with my heart that night of the confession and it has paid off greater than I could of ever imagined. With every day that passes I find myself loving Heather more and more and its a deeper love, a love that will last til the end of my days. The only thing that bothers me is that I really feel like the world does not give her enough credit. Heather is truly an amazing person. She is incredibly smart, she is a college graduate and she is pursuing her masters degree. I am so proud of her for that and I hope she realizes it, I try to do everything I can to support her and get her through it. She is hysterically funny, no one has ever been able to make me laugh about her. She is just as foolish as I am and as quirky. I love her so much for her humor. Her one-liners are the best! She is so caring and compassionate. She takes care of me, spoils me to no end. She has done everything she possibly can to try and make my life easier and has pushed me to follow my dreams and she's done everything in her ability to make those dreams come true and I can't thank her enough for that. I appreciate her so much that no matter what I say, write or do it will never be enough. She also cares about her kids. She's an English teacher and every night I hear stories about her kids and how things are going in classes and you can tell that she geniunely cares and wants to make a difference and really wants kids to learn. She is also really awesome around the house. She puts in a 110% effort all the time helping with the dishes and laundry and just everything that gets done. What we have is something that most couples dont and its a true partnership and I value that. Heather is also incredibly beautiful. She feels really bad about herself right now cause she's put on a little weight (we both have) but to me she is still that "cute girl" that I fell in love with and she still turns me on and just makes my heart flutter every time I look at her. She is more creative than she likes to think she is too...she can do origami, write one helluva hate poem and she has pretty neat ideas about things around the house. I love her...I love everything about her and I love what she has done for me as well. I know there is no such thing as a perfect person..but ya know what? she is perfect for me. I could keep this list going on for hours and hours about all the amazing things about her but my hands would fall off from all the typing. We have spent an incredible 5 months together and I still am amazed and thrilled by her everyday. I just hope she realizes how much I do love her and appreciate everything she has done for me. She made a bear happy again. I only hope that I can make her as happy. I know most people (including her) are going to think this because she is my fiance and because I'm biased...well maybe I am a little biased but I knew from day one, from the very first time we instant messaged each other that Heather was something special and ya know what? I was right.

I have a little spare time today...

Alright so today I have a couple spare hours on my hands so I thought I might be able to sit down and write out an actual decent entry of what has been going on in my life lately. Heather is 99% moved into the house. Today we have to make what will hopefully be the last car load full from her apartment and then be done with it. It's been a moderatley stressful process over the last month but it has so been worth it.

Work is going okay. Spring time is coming on rather quickly and we are all enjoying it. The warmer weather makes for better working and it also puts every one else in a lot better mood so the days do go by a lot smoother. Vacation will be coming up in a couple of months and I am so ready for it. I actually get paid for 2 weeks this year which will be awesome. On standard we are supposed to take both weeks in July but Heather has to work one of those weeks so I am pulling my strings and taking one of the weeks off in August so I can atleast spend the two weeks I do have off with her.

The house is still pretty much a wreck right now. We haven't had much of a chance to get anything unpacked but hopefully in the next couple of weeks we can atleast get some order back in the place. We are both looking forward to summer. We both want to do a lot of work outside and do some gardening and getting out exercising more. I cannot wait to head first into the lake again, it's been wayyy to long. It'll be good times.

We are talking about selling the house within the next year or two. I would really like to move out of Brownville and get a fresh start and Heather wants to be able to make that fresh start with me. My Godparents like that little god forsaken town and are extremely willing to buy my land so it will be a good trade. I cannot wait to get into a new house and away from everything that I have been stuck in for the last 23 years. One of the good feelings I have about it though is the fact that I know if something doesn't work out with our new idea, my god parents would be willing to let us move back onto that same lot which is a deeply gratifying feeling. Hopefully I won't have to cash in on that golden ticket though.

I have picked up reading again which also feels really good. Lately I have read "Monster" by Frank Peretti, "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown and today I just started "One Man's Wilderness: An Alaskan Odyssey" by Richard Proenneke. I go into spurts where I like to read book after book after book and then I won't for a while. But just last weekend Heather and I went to Borders in Bangor and using her teachers appreciation weekend to our advantage bought 11 or 12 new books. We bought a few of our own personal tastes and a couple that we both would like so I think I will be busy for quite some time. Also I have started writing poetry again. I've only written like 3 pieces in the last 2 months but its a release that I have missed. For about 2 or 3 years I could throw out pieces like no body's business and then after everything that needed to be said was said I kind of fell into a rut. Well lately Heather has been pushing me to start writing again and so I have and I really missed it. I don't know if I will publish them on here like I did with my last journal but if you would like to see them I am willing to share. One of them is the first free verse poem that I have ever tried to write.

As I'm writing this entry today I am on the University of Maine Campus in Orono. As I watch the going ons around me I realize that I might like to go back to school. I might like the feeling of being apart of a culture like this. I have always been anxious to learn new things and I feel like over the last few years since I graduated Hight School my IQ level has been dropping. While my job is more physically demanding then most, my mind does not get used that often and I feel like I am going to lose it if I don't start doing something with it. Maybe it really is time to consider going back to school. But what to go for?

And as you might of been able to guess, Heather and I are doing awesome. And ontop of that, we are officially engaged now. I am truly happy in my heart of hearts and I truly believe that this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. She knows how to deal with me and she pushes me to use my potential. She also knows when to let me be and she knows the right ways to love me and I believe that she does love me as much as she says she does. So far we have a great life together and I can only see it getting better. I think its about time I've gotten out of this vicious cycle that I have been living in for the last decade and a half.

Well I guess that will just about wrap it up for now. I have a helluva headache and I am going to go find the University store here somewhere and try to barter for some ibuprofen. Until next time friends, Peace.