Do you ever have a moment...

Where you feel like no matter what you do its never the right thing. Or no matter how hard you try, that your efforts are in vain and it's never enough. The last few weeks that's how I have been feeling. I've let myself get to the point that I don't really know which direction is the best to take and what to do to find my way. I feel like I have let Heather down because I made her all kinds of grand promises that we would have a great life together and as it starts right now we are further behind then when we started. We are trying to save up enough money to fix the house, pay for the wedding and honeymoon, and get all of our bills paid off. The theory is great, the plan is excellent, the action and the outcome however have been far less than satisfactory. Right now I can't pay my way out of a paperbag let alone afford to put a new chimney on the house or take a honeymoon to the Carribean. The feeling of failure and disappointment in myself is crushing, but the thought that I have failed the woman I love is even worse. Work doesn't seem to be much better. I have been trying to work my ass off lately to pay for the said expenses and it seems all I get in return for my efforts is criticism. You should do this instead of that, no no, I didn't mean that, I meant THAT. If I do follow the bosses orders he comes upto me the next day and tells me thats not what he said. No matter what I do is right and I am almost to the point of saying, it doesn't matter anymore, fuck it, let someone else do it. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that every time we set up a customer's order at work, one paritcular guy always screws it up by atleast 30% and he gets away with it everytime, nothing is ever said to him even though management KNOWS he is the one that makes the mistakes. Me, I make one mistake in 6 months and its even an easily correctible one and I catch hell for it for a week. I just wish I could get my head straightened out, get ahead of the game just a little bit and finally get on with our lives in a positive way.

Well here we go again...

So its been 3 months in the making but I'm back and first things first I want to say Happy Anniversary to Heather. We've been together for 10 months now and in a little less than a year we will be married and on our way to our honeymoon in the caribbean. Things have been good with me. I mean there are still the same old crappy details of life such as being in debt and all that but its all good. You work through those things and come out laughing on the other end. Things between Heather and I continue to go awesome. We are in the middle of planning our wedding and so far things have gone relatively smoothly. She bought her dress yesterday and she looks absolutely gorgeous in it. The price was pretty nifty too. I'm sitting here now and it's 6:15pm and the sun is setting in the horizon. As much as I love autumn, I hate to see the daylight go. Shorter days tend to make for longer ones if that makes any sense at all. We did have an awesome summer though. We went camping on the coast, camping in the mountains, we took a 10 day trip to California, we spent some time with her folks and just having a general good time. I can go away from this year with the feeling that the summer was well spent. Well thats about it for now, we bought a new printer today and I am going to try and get this bad boy going. Until next time, peace.