Lately as I have been moving on with my life, I have also been looking back on what has already happened trying to make a peace with the past as it were. I think its time to let a little bit off of the chest so here is a piece of what is going on in my mind. I am 22 years old now and I can look back over the last two decades and with a safe since of security say that they really sucked. My childhood growing up wasn't a good one, my teenage years weren't any better and it is only now because of a certian person that things are starting to look better. Now please, don't take me wrong. I am not trying to say that I have had the hardest life out of them all or the worst one either because I know I haven't. What I am saying though is that it wasn't easy and I would honestly not wish my past on any person in the world, not even my worst enemy. Before the age of 9 there were several events that had already happened that would forever change the course of my life but it was when my father died that things started taking a turn for the worse. See what happened was a couple of key people in my life told me that I had to stand up, be the man, to not show fear or emotion. I had to be the rock that kept the family together. That rock was what I became. Everytime I had to burry another friend or family member, every time there was a fight or something happened, I burried it all inside myself never to be shown to the world. All the people got to see was a nice smile and a friendly handshake. My mother, god rest her soul, tried to break this trend but to her best efforts, unfortuneatly it wasn't enough, but what she didn't know is that I was hiding the most from her. I've made it my life to hide my life from the world, either for my own benefit or for others. As I've grown older, more and more sides to me have developed, the past molding me into the man and what once was a monster that I have become. There are many things in my life that have happened, some by own doing, things that I am not proud of, some that I am down right ashamed of. But it has still molded me. The problem with becoming this rock is that I have locked myself away to such an extent that I felt like I couldn't be the real me with the world. that I never truly belonged with anyone or anywhere. Then my mother died. My world hit the rock bottom of any rock pit you could find. I died inside, the bear inside of me died. Now I have to make a comment here that I need to say because well, it just needs to be said. Rob, Amber, Tonya and Erica. Thank you. You guys saved me. You guys kept me going and kept me in this world and kept my head above water. I owe you guys for everything. However, as much as they were keeping me above water, my depression still was there and I was not getting any better. I was not getting out of this rut.
Enter Heather.
Not quite 3 months ago I met Heather and from the very first time I ever met her. I knew she was going to be a changing force in my life and what has proved to be a driving force as well. Heather got into me, she got into my head and into my heart and I knew I had to have her. I knew she was my saving grace for a life I knew could exist, I just needed someone with the heart to show it to me. She did. The night of our confession still burns in my heart, a fire that pushes me on, that makes everyday a little better a little brighter. For the first time in my life, I had no secrets, no walls blocking me from the world. She figured me out. She still says that she didn't do anything special, I say, she did everything right. Every day that passes, I love her more and more, the future (yes I can finally see a future, BOUT FUCKING TIME!) seems like a perfect dream that I know can come true with us together. Everything she does, everything she says, right down to the way she looks at me, hits a chord inside of me, hits a string in my heart that sends a vibe down into the deepest part of my soul. I feel alive, like in every sense of the way alive. To explain how I feel about Heather I have to say this...There are no words in the languages of man to put into a true contrast, a true sense of how I feel for this woman. I thank whatever spirit is above, every day for her, for that shooting start, that wish, for the confession. Most importantly, I thank Heather for sharing that love with me and sharing this life with me. My heart has been healed. My mind has been cleared. My faith has been restored. I am in Love, I am in affection, quite simply, I am hers. This is my confession.
