Thursday, January 18, 2007

Forgive me father for I have sinned...

I say that phrase numerous times in a day. Why? Because there has been so many things that I have done that I regret, so many words that I wished I had never said, so many thoughts that I wished never came into my mind. Every day I wish I could take those things back, everyday I say, take something from me to make the ones that I love healthy and happy. The last month or so has been a trying time indeed. It started with the unexpected death of our youngest cat, us having to put down my 12 year old beagle and now Heather facing an unknown illness. She tells me all the time that she is fine and that I worry far too much. I realize she's probably right but I cannot help it. I have lost more family and friends than I can really count and the thought of something being seriously wrong with her drives me insane. I have done so much in my life, seen and heard things that would make a lot of people's soul turn inside out and the only thing that I am truly scared of is losing her. And I admit, I am scared to death. Heather has become my life, my being and my everything. Although I don't always show it in the best ways I love her more than life and I would give anything, and I do mean anything to make sure she is happy and healthy. It seems like its a curse that follows me around, people I become close to have something bad happen to them. Either they die, they go broke, something just plain old bad happens to em and I always seem to be around when it happens. I sometimes wonder if the higher spirit punishes others for my misdeeds. "To stop a man, take his heart and soul" type deal, ya know? I realize I am foolish in my ideas but with everything that has happened in my life, to know all the details, it sometimes makes me wonder. If this really is the case. Please, forgive me father.

Friday, November 03, 2006

One Man's Worth...

How do you judge a persons worth? Its not by the numbers in his bank account, it's not by the car she's driving or the earrings she has on. Its not by the number of rifles he has in his cabinet or the pairs of shoes she has stuffed in her closet. A persons worth can only be measured by their actions and their intents. A persons worth is judged by that one thing, that one little niche that everyone knows them for. That one thing that they themselves feel like they do well at. That thing that they can gain a sense of pride and accomplishment from. I myself find my pride in my writing and through support of other people I have continued to write over the last decade. Through my writing I have tried to prove my worth in writing pieces about humor, understanding, inspiration and involvement. Whether it be hysterical, good, bad, ugly or just plain necessary I have dumped emotion and emotion into my writing to show the rest of the world how this one man feels. Luckily I have been able to connect to a few people through my poetry and stories and have helped them through some tough times. That right there has given me more of a sense of pride than anything else. So now I introduce a new blog of mine www.onemansworth.blogspot.com It will be a place of my writing and any others that would like me to submit it. In everything I have done in my life and will continue to do for the rest of my days...this is the one way I feel like I can prove my worth. So I hope you enjoy and continue to check in...I always love feedback, positive or otherwise. To close this out I am asking you all for one simple favor. Look inside yourselves. Look inside your life and the things you do and ask yourself...Whats that one thing that has your pride, whats your "worth"?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Do you ever have a moment...

Where you feel like no matter what you do its never the right thing. Or no matter how hard you try, that your efforts are in vain and it's never enough. The last few weeks that's how I have been feeling. I've let myself get to the point that I don't really know which direction is the best to take and what to do to find my way. I feel like I have let Heather down because I made her all kinds of grand promises that we would have a great life together and as it starts right now we are further behind then when we started. We are trying to save up enough money to fix the house, pay for the wedding and honeymoon, and get all of our bills paid off. The theory is great, the plan is excellent, the action and the outcome however have been far less than satisfactory. Right now I can't pay my way out of a paperbag let alone afford to put a new chimney on the house or take a honeymoon to the Carribean. The feeling of failure and disappointment in myself is crushing, but the thought that I have failed the woman I love is even worse. Work doesn't seem to be much better. I have been trying to work my ass off lately to pay for the said expenses and it seems all I get in return for my efforts is criticism. You should do this instead of that, no no, I didn't mean that, I meant THAT. If I do follow the bosses orders he comes upto me the next day and tells me thats not what he said. No matter what I do is right and I am almost to the point of saying, it doesn't matter anymore, fuck it, let someone else do it. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that every time we set up a customer's order at work, one paritcular guy always screws it up by atleast 30% and he gets away with it everytime, nothing is ever said to him even though management KNOWS he is the one that makes the mistakes. Me, I make one mistake in 6 months and its even an easily correctible one and I catch hell for it for a week. I just wish I could get my head straightened out, get ahead of the game just a little bit and finally get on with our lives in a positive way.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Well here we go again...

So its been 3 months in the making but I'm back and first things first I want to say Happy Anniversary to Heather. We've been together for 10 months now and in a little less than a year we will be married and on our way to our honeymoon in the caribbean. Things have been good with me. I mean there are still the same old crappy details of life such as being in debt and all that but its all good. You work through those things and come out laughing on the other end. Things between Heather and I continue to go awesome. We are in the middle of planning our wedding and so far things have gone relatively smoothly. She bought her dress yesterday and she looks absolutely gorgeous in it. The price was pretty nifty too. I'm sitting here now and it's 6:15pm and the sun is setting in the horizon. As much as I love autumn, I hate to see the daylight go. Shorter days tend to make for longer ones if that makes any sense at all. We did have an awesome summer though. We went camping on the coast, camping in the mountains, we took a 10 day trip to California, we spent some time with her folks and just having a general good time. I can go away from this year with the feeling that the summer was well spent. Well thats about it for now, we bought a new printer today and I am going to try and get this bad boy going. Until next time, peace.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Just for her...Happy Birthday Sweetheart

A Crazy Love for a fairy tale...

Once upon a time far in the north there was a kingdom. A kingdom of beauty which could not be fully beheld unless the viewer possessed the heart of an open mind. A kingdom which in the spring was as green as the freshest of all the four leaf clovers. A kingdom where in the shakes of autumn the mountains rose and became blankets of fire which stretched as far as the eye could see. A kingdom of legends. A kingdom of spirits.

Deep within these lands, a prince was born. A prince who grew rather quickly, both in size and in character. He was embraced, loved and looked after by all those who livedi n the valley. It was early in his youth that they all gave him the name of Bear. It suited him well for his formidable size, his undying loyalty and the fierce protectiveness he possesed over the ones that he loved. Life for the young prince was good. As he grew older he learned to love the lands of his kingdom. He took the woods and the streams to be his friends just as much as the people were. Through his ways of life he had gained respect from everyone, human, animal and earth alike. Life continued on day after day, the young boy growing ever closer to being a man. Then one day in a cruel twist of fate, the gods came down upon the kingdom and in their judgement cast their wrath upon the young prince.

In what would appear to be an instant, the blink of a third eye all would change. The royal family fell. His parents, the King and Queen met their untimely death and left the young prince alone to fend for himself. People that he had once trusted with his very life turned on him and with that wave of betrayal crushed the young boy and left him broken. The spirit that once stood for all, that was the rock that all others used as their foundations had now become nothing but a pile of ashes that crumbled under the weight of the Gods hatred. What had he done to deserve this? The prince had always tried to do the right thing, showing the same respect he was given. Now, everything that he had fought for, loved, LIVED for, was gone.

The bear prince went into exhile, kept barely alive by a small handful of his closest friends. His heart was dead, his soul was nothing but a blank slate left to whatever chaos would find its mark. He knew deep in his soul he had to leave his kingdom. Everywhere he turned memories flooded over him and sent agonizing jolts through his body. No longer could he look at the thrones of his dead parents and bear the thought of taking it for himself. He left the valley that he had called home for so long. The prince erashed his former image and went into a new world as something different, something darker. The strength and pride he possessed had turned into anger and vengance. He entered the new world as something he used to hate...something he swore he'd never be...a monster.

As time passed on the kingdom began to wonder what had happened to their beloved prince. They had all watched him grow into the man he had become and wanted nothing more than his safety and his happiness. Winds blew across the world and into the valley of spirits. They bore stories of war, malice and malcontent. "Hogwash!" the people said. They knew there prince an refused to believe such rumors. It was the ones that knew him the best, that small handful of friends that knew the stories were true. Together they prayed that soon the bear inside the prince would return and bring back the man they all loved. For now, all they could do is wait.

The prince had indeed found himself amongst those wars and battles. Whiskey and rum had replaced the blood in his veins and the people that surrounded him were the ugliest and most foul that the world could conjure in its darkest days. One night looking through an empty jug the prince looked at the twisted world around him. Where was he? Who was he? This was not the man that he grew to be. Or was that man already to far dead to matter? He knew in his heart that this wasn't right, so again he went into exhile. He treated to the deep woods, never to show his face again until he knew that he was ready to meet mankind again.

Days passed and those days turned into weeks and months. While meandering one day the prince came to a wide river bank, sinking to his knees he plunged his head into the chilly waters to revive what senses he had left. From her resting place underneath a maple tree a fair lady watched this would be rag tag man. Her gaze caught the blood on his clothes, the scars on his face and the weatheredness of his skin. "What a beast!" she scoffed. His head snapped up and his view immediately went to the woman under the tree. "Oh no" she thought "he heard me". The prince stood slowly and albeit cautiously he made his way to the lady. She jumped to her feet and took a step back. "You stay away from me!" The prince lifted his head and looked at her "I mean you no harm, m'lady". She caught his gaze and gasped. "Those eyes" she thought to herself. Never before had she seen eyes like that, so deep, so mysterious, so wonderous...she was mezmerized by them. "What is your name?" She asked the large man. "Bear, m'lady" he replied. "Bear? that's not much of a name is it?" "it's the only one I can give you m'lady" he stated. "Alright then, Bear. My name is Amalia, Princess Amalia." The lady bowed her head. The bear flicked a faint smile and the two of them sat together on the river bank. They began to talk, the prince opening up more than he had in years. Minutes turned to hours and those hours flew. Before they knew it the morning sun was rising on them.

Bear was entranced. Never before had he met a woman like this Amalia. She enticed him, thrilled him. Hit him in ever sense that was in his body. She was beautiful. More beautiful than any woman he had ever seen in all of this travels. The wave of her dark brown hair, the perfect figure of her body and her eyes. Her hazel eyes he could stare at forever, watching them slowly fade from brown to green. He never wanted this conversation to end. For the first time in years he felt like he could really talk to someone. He felt like there was someone who actually wanted to listen. They shared each others stories for hours and hours. Eventually though, they did part ways with the single promise to meet again. And again they did, day after day, night after night. They met and talked, danced and walked. Something had happened between them that could only be described as magical.

The prince felt something inside of him. Something that seemed strangely familiar but yet so unknown. Everytime he was near Amalia his heart sped up and the beats went faster. Something inside of him seemed right, like the peace that he had been so longing for was there, in her. But he couldn't love her. He couldn't take the risk of losing someone else that he so cared for. He couldn't deny it any longer. As more time went by he came to the realization that he had completley fallen in love with the young princess. She was beautiful, intelligent, funny and witty. She was as common in her place as he was in his. She was perfect.

Then as fate would so tell the tale came a night that he had been waiting for. As they talked like they did every night, Amalia looked at the prince with deepenend eyes and an uneasy look on her face. "There is something I must tell you, Bear...Another man has asked for my hand." The bear unexpecting of this, so lost in his affection for the princess looked in disbelief and asked "Well what did you say?" Looking down the princess replied "I said Yes. I'm sorry, Bear, but I said Yes." The Bear, taking in a deep breath looked at her and said "If that is what makes you happy, M'lady." With that the bear bowed his head and slid off into the shadows of the wilderness. The place he had come to know oh so well, feeling heartbroken and more alone than ever before.

The bear returned to his kingdom. He knew it was there that he needed to be. Maybe his old home could straighten out his confused mind and put him on the right path again. The bear sought out his best friend, his brother. Not knowing what to do about anything he looked to his brother for answers. "Bear, you are the strongest of us all, but even the mightiest need some reflection some times." He knew his brother was right. The bear took to the woods again, but this time returning to a place he felt safe. Far in the valley, deep within the mountains there was a lake. A sanctuary he had always returned to when he needed to think about things. To clear his mind.

There he looked up into the skies, into the heavens that he loved and hated so much and asked for guidance. He asked for a sign for something to show him what to do because for the first time in his troubled life, the prince felt totally lost. Watching from their eternal resting place the King and Queen saw their song and the discontent that plagued him. They were heartbroken at their sons unhappiness. Life had twisted him around and the gods had put him through the toughest challenges they could muster and still he stood before them. They knew it was time that their son had a fair chance. The king and queen took all their love for their only child and cast it into the raging fires of one solitary star and sent it blazing brightly across the northern skies. The prince seeing this beacon reached into the depths of his soul and begged for that one chance, that one moment that if never again that he might make the princess his own and confess to her the deepness of his love. Little did he know, his prayer was heard.

The night passed and as did the next day. A new moon rose into the sky and the prince sat in his home still pondering over and over what he was to do. He needed Amalia. It wasn't a want for him, it was a need. He needed to love her as much as he needed her to love him. Then out of the corner of his eye he saw something move. He stood and walked out the door to see what was causing the comontion. What he saw was not exactly what he had expected. There she stood before him. He was shocked. He was amazed. He was speechless. His princess had found him. He ran to her and grabbed her into the tightest emrbace he could muster. He refused to let her go, afraid that if he did she would disappear and this would no longer be real. It was at that moment that he did confess his undying yearning love her for. The love that swept his soul into her embrace to do whatever she pleased with. The princess smiled at him, wiped a tear from his and said "Fear not my Prince, for my heart is yours as well. It belongs to you and you alone."

That was the night when the young prince that the kingdom had so loved growing up, truly returned. It was the night that the Bear crawled from its confining cave and let its life be known for all the world to feel. That was the night when dreams came true. From that moment on they started a life together unlike any other. A time of a love unmatched and unequivical, a partnership, a perfect life. They lived together, traveled together, seeing much of the world. They traveled the country side, helping the people with their farms and livestock. They sailed the oceans together watching natures greatest beasts and laying slay to a band of pirates. They saw some of the grandest sights and at the same time shared the quietest of moments together. The people of the kingdom grew to love her just as they did their young prince. They married and together they took the thrones of the kingdom. They ruled over it justly, fairly and happily. They were never happier. To this very day they still look at each the way they did that first night, entranced, enthralled. Totally in love.

Now moons have come and gone full circle a month of times. The sun has set and the sun has risen and it is said, and I have seen this with my own two eyes, so believe this in your heart that every day at first life if you look to the peak of the highest mountain in the valley you see standing there an enormous bear. Keeping an ever close eye on his kingdom, faithfully guarding all those he loves. Especially his beloved Queen.



Sunday, June 18, 2006

What a weekend...

Well boys and girls, after a brief, alright pretty long hiatus, your's truly is back. Heather and I just got home a couple hours ago from one of the best weekends that I can ever remember. Friday night we left for the coast right after I got out of work and we have been "camping" for the last two days. Yesterday was just totally awesome. We got up, went into Bar Harbor for some breakfast and a little shopping and then on a spur of the moment decision we bought tickets to go on a Whale watching ship! We still had a few hours left before our boat left so we went into Acadia National Park for some sight seeing. I was able to take Heather to a few places she's never been before which was really cool. I love giving people new experiences. After a nice picnic lunch at the top of Cadillac Mountain we made our way back into Bar Harbor. We went and checked out the Whale and Marine museum before boarding our boat. Now again this was something I have done that Heather hadn't which hyped it up a little more for me, I have been on 3 previous cruises so I had an idea of what was instore. So we got on our ship and set off to sea. During our cruise we got mighty cold but we also got some awesome pictures of some lighthouses, seals, other boats and of course whales. We only really got to see one consistently but she says she had a blast nevertheless. So when we got back (we were out there 4 hours) we went to a little restaurant called Rupiuini's (spelling is a little funky) and ate a nice dinner outside on a patio while watching people downtown. After our meal we did a little more store hopping, had an ice cream and then headed out of town for some mini golf. We played 36 holes at Pirate's Cove just outside of Bar Harbor village and it was a blast, we were playing with this couple ahead of us that was really nice. After the golf it was about 10pm so we headed back to the campground and crashed for the night. This morning we got up packed up and headed back into the village for a nice breakfast at Jordan's before heading back home. All in all I would have to say this weeekend was as close to perfect as it could be. We got some awesome pictures, some great souveniors, a lot of cool memories and the hopes of doing it again It was supposed to be to celebrate Heather's birthday since it is coming this week. She said it was the best birthday weekend she could of had. I'm really happy to hear her say that because what she also made this a truly incredcible weekend for me. I love her so much and I have a feeling this is going to be the start of a great summer. For now, Peace.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

I'm baaaacckkkk....

Well I just wrote a post about Heather and as I re-read it I realized I left some details left out. I talked about how she has helped me and how she is pushing me to reach my dreams. Heather is really trying to get me to go back to school and I have gone to the University of Maine with her and it really sparked an interest in there. She still goes there for a few classes and I am seriously considering checking out their academic programs to see what I can find. She has been spoiling me rotten, she bought me a shit load of books of which I've already read 3...she's gotten me into reading again and I love it. I have read more in the last 3 months then I have in the last 3 years. I can talk to her. I can't explain it, I don't want to try and explain it but I can talk to her. I can open up to her and there are no boundaries and I love it. I have never had that before and it really allows me to see how much she means to me and how awesome she is. What else did she do? SHE BOUGHT A FUCKING CAMERA!!! We felt like we are missing out on some really awesome moments but she knows how much I love to do photography and how much I have been missing it since I had to sell my camera...it felt like something was missing like the one bit of potential I had was gone but she's brought that back and she's pushing me to follow those dreams and realize my potential. She's also got me into writing again..writing poems, stories to her, letters, all kinds of stuff..it's kind of funny though, no matter how much I write to her, how many letters I give her..I never feel like its enough. She's also awesome at helping me at jobs around the house...she's helped me with a few projects around the house and I just love working with her. But for now I will call this good...I am sure I will post more soon. Peace

Something that I need to say...

Normally I try very hard not to complain about the way my life has taken shape because I do know that there are others out there that have it worse off then I do but there are a few things that you have to understand about me. By the time I was 18 years old I had burried both of my parents, all 4 grandparents, a list of aunts and uncles and some very close friends. Even since then I have laid to rest more friends, a brother, 2 more aunts and the list will go on. I have worked full time since I was 15 years old, I have drank myself to stupidity and back several times, I used to fight on a regular basis and most of the time for no good reason. My life has been hard growing up and some things that happened to me as a kid still like to leave their impression on me. But through all of it I have stood tall held strong and pushed my way through all of it. However, there comes a time when you start to wonder, after being through all of that, will I ever be happy? My faith on that subject was growing very lean especially with the last person I tried to make a relationship with. There are very few things in my life that I actually regret, but those 4 months with her I do. Last fall things started to get harder for me, I felt lonely more and more with everyday, I was losing enthusiam for life and just everything in general sucked. One day that all changed with a hopeful messgae. I met Heather. From the very first day I knew I wanted her to be a part of my life and that was only reenforced ten fold when we had our first date. From that first night we just started spending more and more time together, talking constantly and it was so perfect! I had never been able to talk to a person like that so openly and about such a wide range of things. I fell in love, I fell fast, I fell hard and I fell completely and I don't regret it one bit. I took a chance with my heart that night of the confession and it has paid off greater than I could of ever imagined. With every day that passes I find myself loving Heather more and more and its a deeper love, a love that will last til the end of my days. The only thing that bothers me is that I really feel like the world does not give her enough credit. Heather is truly an amazing person. She is incredibly smart, she is a college graduate and she is pursuing her masters degree. I am so proud of her for that and I hope she realizes it, I try to do everything I can to support her and get her through it. She is hysterically funny, no one has ever been able to make me laugh about her. She is just as foolish as I am and as quirky. I love her so much for her humor. Her one-liners are the best! She is so caring and compassionate. She takes care of me, spoils me to no end. She has done everything she possibly can to try and make my life easier and has pushed me to follow my dreams and she's done everything in her ability to make those dreams come true and I can't thank her enough for that. I appreciate her so much that no matter what I say, write or do it will never be enough. She also cares about her kids. She's an English teacher and every night I hear stories about her kids and how things are going in classes and you can tell that she geniunely cares and wants to make a difference and really wants kids to learn. She is also really awesome around the house. She puts in a 110% effort all the time helping with the dishes and laundry and just everything that gets done. What we have is something that most couples dont and its a true partnership and I value that. Heather is also incredibly beautiful. She feels really bad about herself right now cause she's put on a little weight (we both have) but to me she is still that "cute girl" that I fell in love with and she still turns me on and just makes my heart flutter every time I look at her. She is more creative than she likes to think she is too...she can do origami, write one helluva hate poem and she has pretty neat ideas about things around the house. I love her...I love everything about her and I love what she has done for me as well. I know there is no such thing as a perfect person..but ya know what? she is perfect for me. I could keep this list going on for hours and hours about all the amazing things about her but my hands would fall off from all the typing. We have spent an incredible 5 months together and I still am amazed and thrilled by her everyday. I just hope she realizes how much I do love her and appreciate everything she has done for me. She made a bear happy again. I only hope that I can make her as happy. I know most people (including her) are going to think this because she is my fiance and because I'm biased...well maybe I am a little biased but I knew from day one, from the very first time we instant messaged each other that Heather was something special and ya know what? I was right.