A letter anew

My Dearest Heather,

Two weeks ago to the day I sent you a letter filled with a list of reasons of why I have fallen in love with you. I also told you that night that the letter I sent you was only a small list of the reasons that have brought my heart to life. In my pondering over the last few days I have decided to write you another list of reasons as to why it is that I love you so much. But here you are probably wondering why it is that I am posting this letter on my blog and not e-mailing it to you like normal. Well it's really quite simple hun. I think it's time to let everyone in the whole fucking world know how I really feel about you. I am going to climb to the highest mountain or rooftop or atleast the tallest pine tree I can find around and shout at the top of my fucking lungs that I love you more than I can ever put into words. You have come to learn that in my body I have not ounce of shame so I figure, what the hell, let me tell people how I really feel. Every day that passes Heather it is something anewed, a fresh breath, another new light in an ever brightening world. You have courage hun, A courage that I have not seen nor felt in any one else. You have dared to go inside of me and dared to take down the walls. You know more about me than anyone else in this world and I feel totally content with that. But for now, lets get on with our list shall we....

I love you for being left handed
I love you for your articulation
I love you for your sweet ass
I love you for thirst for knowledge
I love you for your belly laugh
I love you for your cooking (yes hun, it really is good)
I love you for beating the lava pits
I love you for always telling me how cute I am
I love you for your poof trick
I love you for telling me to live my dreams (and really meaning it)
I love you for your confessions
I love you for how you always make me feel safe
I love you for your still dark sometimes curly sometimes straight sometimes poofy hair
I love you for knowing what you want in life
I love you for confiding in me
I love you for the distractions
I love you for always wanting to talk to me
I love you for your long legs
I love you for your perfectly normal big toes
I love you for your undying support when I was ready to pull my hair out at a useless no good piece of shit fucking mechanical minotaur.
I love you for surprising me at work that day
I love you even more everytime you show up at work and help me
I love you for being ticklish even though I have to use my beard
I love you for always smiling when I need you too
I love you for loving me
I love you for bringing the Bear back in me
I love you even more for bringing the man back.
I love you for the rabbit
I love you for your enormously huge bed
I love you for knowing how to play the flute
I love you for your willingness to admit that you don't know everything (what a woman!)
I love you for everytime you wrap you arms around me
I love you for your twitching eyelid
I love you for saying "Yes"
I love you for every single moment that we have ever spent together
And I love you even more for every single moment that we have coming to us in our long future together.

So there is the next chapter my dear, and as I said to you before, I shall say to you again. Every day that passes I find myself totally entranced, enthralled and excited by you. Every day seems better and I begin to look more and more into the future with a look of optimism. You are the love of my life and there is nothing on this earth, nor heaven and hell that will ever change that nor take me from you. The foundations we have built, are stronger than any stone or steel. It's one of love, trust, faith and companionship. May we build our life together on it, and let that home, that life be one so glorious and wonderful that all the world can look upon it and realize that there is something still good, pure and true in this world. That is my love for you hun and so it shall always be.

Forever Your Bear
Paul Edwin Kinne Jr.

smiles and cries..

Well friends here we are again. I was just reading over the first post that I made in this new journal and I realized that I really didn't give justice in the explanation of the beginning of our relationship. You see this all started about 2 months ago when I messaged Heather out of the blue on myspace.com. She didn't reply within the first couple of days so I figured that there wasn't any interest. I must admit that I was bummed because between her picture and her profile I really did want the chance to meet her. Finally after a few days she sent me a little message back with her yahoo id and away we went. I think it was that very same night that we started talking on yahoo and I was just blown away. Here was a girl that is very beautiful, funny caring and articulate. For the next few nights we chatted online and every conversation seemed to go better and better. Finally within a couple weeks we set our first date. We met at a restaurant in Bangor and the second I saw her I realized that there was something there. After dinner we walked around a few stores and chatted and when I went to take her to her car we had the first kiss. Granted the first kiss was a little awkward it was still awesome. Then after a couple moments of teasing she asked if I was the type to kiss and tell, after answering "no" she gave me a kiss that I will never forget about. So now lets kind of fast forward a little bit through the next weeks...You see over the next few weeks Heather and I started spending a lot of time together. We talked several times a day saw each other every couple of days if not sooner. There was something between us that neither of us could really deny. Thus came the problem. Heather told me right from the get go (and I still thank her for her honesty) that she did not want any type of serious relationship, that she just wanted to have some fun. At first I was somewhat okay with this but I realized that the more and more time I spent with this amazing girl, the more and more my heart was not under my control. Thus created my other dillema, because growing up I was always taught and if you are going to love, love with your whole heart. Now to my shits luck, this girl who didn't want a relationship totally had my heart. So our time together went well and I treasured every moment, we did a range of things from painting pottery to going to concerts to just hanging around home watching movies. I didn't know what to do, every time we were together I was biting my tongue to not tell her that I loved her. Then came a night where she told me that she had a date with another guy. I was fucked to put it gently. Here I was madly in love (and affection) with this girl and I was getting ready to lose her to another guy. I couldn't say anything to her because she wasn't mine to say anything to. For two days I twisted myself inside and out going quite literally insane (thank you, Shawn) trying to figure out what the fuck to do cause I had to have this girl, I knew this was my one chance my one fucking opportunity to have the one thing I wanted. Normally this wouldn't be that much of a hassle but I cared so much for her that I didn't want to complicate her life. The date announcement came on a Tuesday night, that next night me and my brother spent some time together because I needed someone to talk to. I was lost. In our conversations we managed to wind up out to the lake. Now for anyone that knows us, the lake is a special place to me, a place that is sacred in my heart. A place where everything makes sense and nothing can go wrong. It happened to be a full moon that night with not a cloud in the sky, as far as the weather could go, it couldn't be any more perfect. While I was standing out on the dock I saw one solitary shooting star and with every fucking fools prayer I had in me I wished on that star the only girl in this world that I wanted would fall in love with me as I had her. Then came the night of confessions. Confession has always been an interesting word to me, one of those words you just love and you don't really know why? well now I have my reason. so for 2 days I had been killing myself emotionally trying to figure out how to make it so we were both happy and I just didn't know what to do. So I went home that night and called her as I normally do and we talked for a few moments and then I told her she was starting to break up cause she was on her cell. She said "do me a favor and look outside". To say the least I went ape shit, I came out of that front door with more of a purpose than I ever had. She had surprised me. Something not easily accomplishable but she did it, the second she was out of her car I grabbed her and there wasn't a fucking thing on this earth that could of made me let her go. After a few moments of me mauling her in the yard we went inside and standing in the kitchen we made our confessions. I told her that I loved her and no matter how much I said I didn't or tried to deny it, I couldn't because I was hers. After throwing my heart out in the air like that I didn't know what to expect. She could make me or break me in one split second and in one single word. Thankfully my wish on the shooting star came true. For as long as eternity weaves I will never forget that night. When she in one sentence restored all matter of hope and faith I had in not only myself but in the world and for the first time I knew things were going to be really alright. I've been on a cloud 9 ever since that night, I mean there are times when I'm not bouncing out of my shoes with excitement but I am still happy, like deep down in my soul type happy. She has broken down walls and pushed me to places that most people were either scared to go or scared of making me go. There is much more of this story that I could write about but this post is already a lengthy read so for now my friends I will let you take in that chapter because we are in the midst of writing a book that will go down with the ages. Until then Peace.

Time for a new beginning...

Well boys and girls it's time to get this shit on the way, eh? If you are reading this then chances are you used to read my old journal, deathofsociety. It's very true, death of society did a lot of good for me over the years, allowing me to express a lot of pent up frustrations and emotions but the truth is, I don't need it anymore. You see over the last 2 months I have started a new chapter in my life. A chapter I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to write. Finally, thank god, finally I've come to a point in my life as to where I can put the past behind me. I have one person to thank for this and she knows who she is. For those of you who by some chance might not know...her name is Heather. You see for the last 2 months Heather and I have been building a relationship that to me already seems stronger than any that I have ever have. She's given me a hope of the future that I didn't know existed. She's brought back a part of me that died a long time ago, a part of me that I burried and didn't want to feel again because I thought it would hurt to much to have it come alive again. Not only did she bring the Bear back in me, she brought the man too. God I can honestly say that I am happy, and not only happy on certain levels, I mean happy in ways that don't exist with me, happy in ways that fill me in every way. She's got to be the most amazing woman on earth because she's already pulled off some miracles. It's just kind of funny to me that the one thing that I ever really wished on a star for came true and god I can never be thankful enough for her. my friends, I know your reading this and you must be smiling because everyone of you has always said you wanted the best for me, Well I think the best is starting to come out and I've got one really special lady to thank for that. Not to mention she is totally beautiful to boot (how did I get so fucking lucky eh?) I only hope that I can keep a little more steadiness with this journal and keep you guys updated a little better because the future is looking really good and for those of you who have stuck with me, I want you guys in on it. So until next time friends, Peace.